What are you thinking?

^ I feel you. I don't want to live in this particular iteration of reality anymore. :[

"And my father almost hit me because of a loud argument we had about my fears/anxiety (that he barely wants to acknowledge). And I had to have a talk with my mom because she was close to hitting me as well and thinking I enjoy being stuck in life... and assuming a lot of things from the little I said (like she feels I'm blaming her for not quitting her job to take care of me... but I never said this... if I ever thought she should leave her job, it was only when she was obviously close to a burn-out and I was worried... I did say I wanted help and a bit of affection... but I don't need her to drop everything for me).

And then, there was the guilt trip :

- about me making them lose money (which is true because of my problems... it's not like I never felt bad about it ... that's why I very rarely ask for anything unless it's christmas or my birthday and I'm willing to pay them back if I can in the future... and I'm also growing sick of being dependant on them... I recently found a way to earn a bit of money *thanks to someone in a forum* but I need to create a new bank account first... but everything I do is a fucking battle so yeah... I'm slow at life, I'm sorry)
- about me being a burden who might cause their death (it's often more my mother who says stuff like this... her own mother commited suicide and had a mentally ill son so I think it brings back lots of bad memories for her).

And I barely can talk about their own behavior without them losing it. I'm not trying to be mean (though it ultimatelly comes across this way because I get mad when getting yelled at) and deflecting my own responsabilities... Just trying to tell them why I think I'm bad at life (it's not all about them, but they played a part, still do... my psychologist kind of made me aware of this) and how I think they could help me in the future.

I mean... I'm utterly dependant on them in more ways than one, I have no choice but to live with them (and soon, follow them on vacations while battling my deep anxiety over getting killed in the train or at the beach... I had multiple nightmares about death in the last few months) and my mother do recognize a bit that they're still treating me too much like a child at times... that is, when they're not suddenly telling me "you're 27 already, act like an adult" (my dad is the one saying this the most when he's mad at me and refusing to accept my severe anxieties). It's a bit destabilizing... even though I'd love to function normally and be independant (and have a boyfriend and steady friends), like my little sister.

Sure, I'd like to die right now or just be... anywhere else than on earth... and I'm slow and sometimes too negative... but I still want to try getting better.

Sigh... I'm writing this to get it out of my system... but I feel like I'm a manipulative monster trash talking her parents. I felt this way too when I was talking about my relationship with my parents to my psychologist. She seemed to believe everything wasn't all my fault... but deep inside... I feel like a horrible daughter with a victim complex."

"Today will be a better day."

"Should probably start packing for the trip."

ppl who hit ppl suck.

"This planet sucks. Humankind sucks."

^ This. :/

"Can people just stop being horrible already."

"Why can't I just workout like I used to? I gotta lose this weight."

"I don't know what I want to do. Why can't I just be good at something? One thing?"

"I hate this."

"Welp, finally tumblr has succeeded in making a completely non-functional app because now it won't even let me log in on mobile at all.  Buuuut it's probably for the better because The Discourse™ makes my teeth grind, and I don't need to accelerate the process of becoming a grumpy old person with no teeth. :B

In other news, this caramel coffee was A Good Idea."

"So, it really is possible to escape this place. I need to follow their example."

"There should be a word for, like, your friends and family including the people you're not related to but still consider family. Is framily a thing?"

im seriously tired of life being fuckd & seriously tired of nobody doing nything to unfuck it.

"What the hell is wrong with me? Why am I like this?"

"I need a break."

"Screw Windows. Screw Microsoft. Screw this entire trend of penalizing poor people who can't upgrade when the developers want.
In short, I'm pulling my hair trying to install Service Pack 3 on my computer after I was forced to reinstall Windows XP. Yeah, as you know, Microsoft stopped supporting XP a while ago. Now that I had to reinstall it, I'm finally feeling the pain. I just want Photoshop or even Gimp back for my art   .
I know, Windows XP had a long life and all... but still, it pisses me off. I will even be forced to buy a new scanner AND possibly printer (because of mere compatibility issues) along with a new PC... and I don't know when I'll be able to get all the money for this. I could use my sister's old Vista in the meantime but it is pretty sloggish and buggy."

^ Speaking as someone who used Windows 95 until 2005 and Windows 2000 until 2008 (and is currently still using Win 8 despite Microsoft's "UPGRADE TO WINDOWS 10!!!!!!!" spampaign), I feel you. Microsoft is butts.

"And here I thought I could use my sister's Vista. Ahahahahah... I'm crying blood. Sluggish nightmare.
Welp... really gotta find money ASAP for a new computer."

"Life is too friggin expensive."

"High school never really ends, does it? It just changes locations and people. Idiotic office drama..."

"I'm not good enough, I'm not good at anything, I'm just no damn good."

^I know that feeling. Just don't give up!

"Am I being too dramatic? If this continues to be a problem, I don't want to work in this hostile environment."

"Went to open a bank account in a different and better bank yesterday. The lady who met me was really nice... which really put me at ease. I asked her things I would have probably not dared to ask to a colder person (well, my dad was there too *there was no other way... otherwise I could have gone on my own* and it helped a bit... but still). I felt like I could be like myself with a stranger more than usual and it felt really great. Like I was a stronger person.
My father was astonished that I knew so very little about stuff related to the bank (I had no idea that credit cards were limited and why or that you can earn money thanks to the bank)... but honestly, I got my very first bank account when I was 24 (3 years ago) and I understood nothing about what the guy told me (I was crying half the time because the vet called on the way to tell us our cat didn't have long to live... it was hard to be completely focused on anything else after this). Plus, during all the time I had an account at this bank, I was either studying or couldn't find a job... therefore I didn't learn much more than : okay, this is my card and money is on it and sometimes I have to check how much I still have on my account.
I'm glad to be less ignorant now but I feel like there is a lot of other things I probably don't get yet.
Now, I need to wait at least a week... and I'll be able to start my first internet job hopefully."

Still kicking, if anyone was wondering.

Had a severe case of 'nothing to post', but probably shouldn't have fallen out like that anyway. My bad.